The Bin.

2004-04-01T08:52:00.000-08:00

I've Moved!!!

Click here!!

2004-03-27T07:46:00.000-08:00

BMT Ends...

And so it was. The end of the 24KM route march signified the end of a journey for 48 men from Whiskey Platoon 1, 54th Direct Enhanced BMT. Like every course in life, the 48 men will never fall in together again, quite a sad thought. Especially the men from Section 4. But BMT will always hold dear memories for me about 11 other men and every significant episode we went through together.

Back to a civilian life, work galore. mad mad mad...

2004-01-31T02:31:00.000-08:00

2nd Book Out, Still Going Strong

For all of you ( if any ) who are concerned about me, I'm still fine. Getting fitter by the day, just completed learning all the stations of the SOC, not as tough as it may seem, though I remain apprehensive about the day I try to do it in my SBO. Heh...

I miss civilian life. Not that I'm not used to the army, but I find the regimentation a bit too much to take. Maybe because I've been at it for the past 6 years, but... Still wondering why my section mates regret not being in NCC. Highly distressing that they are trying so hard to be part of THE ARMY. Sigh.

Miss my friends out there, all of you. My team mates too... coach, and everyone else. Field camp next week, won't be online for 14 days. 7 days of it without handphone too.

Do ask me out people...

2004-01-21T08:52:00.000-08:00

BMTC 2/W

W1401 is what I'm known as now. National Service hasn't been all that interesting, despite all the hype surrounding it. Being REC isn't all that fun, having been referred to as a leader for the last 4 years of my life in green. Quite not used to being the lowest in the pecking order, but I've made the decision not to be a leader in green anymore though. Oh well. Life goes on. Happy New Year.

2004-01-12T07:55:00.000-08:00

National Service Beckons

Have you ever wondered, why we must serve... BECAUSE WE LOVE OUR LAND AND WE WANT IT TO BE FREE TO BE FREE...

Bull****. See you guys next Wednesday night.

2004-01-10T10:15:00.000-08:00

On old and older friends

Saw my primary school friends and secondary school pals today... very happy! heh but real tired... type more later..

2004-01-06T08:15:00.000-08:00

Today...

Quite an eventful day. In the morning, I went back to RJC to collect my EAGLES award... Heh more money! Means I have enough money in the bank not to let them deduct $2 a month for having too little money! Derr was late as usual, haha in fact he didn't turn up... Dua me and Chan... you good...

Went to lavendar to claim my IC and shop for BMT stuff with the NCC palz... quite cheap stuff there. Got all the stuff i required for $22. Anyone reading this and going to Beach Road Market please don't buy stuff from the Malay and Filipino aunties there... buy from the Chinese people. I'm not racist but from my 6 years of experience in the NCC THEY ARE VERY WELL KNOWN TO CHEAT PEOPLE'S MONEY. So yeah. =) William n ZQ were botak already... haha think they cut their hair too soon, it's gonna grow back before next week... waste money...

First training in 3 weeks... Feeling damn tired man... Dunno how I will tahan army... haha... Quite paiseh if national team fencer cannot tahan NS... Gayness...

Yesterday...

Got dua my dear fellow 2S06Cians... now 3S06C liao... still dua me... KNN... made me stay home whole day...

Helped mom spring clean the kitchen, damn proud that I scrubbed all the walls in the kitchen, 1st time in my 19 years of existence... =)

Talked to liangy online... reminiscenced about our Sec 2 n 3 n 4 havoc days... Those were the times... haha... The days we spent at PS doing nothing and playing DDR... then upgrade to SSR... then to 4th Mix... the "YOURSELF"... the "MEI YOU MEI YOU"... the days spent at Cine also... the Countdowns... the PEOPLE... juz wanna thank Matthew, Elizabeth(whom I haven't seen in ages), the Vincents, Zhao Yi, Lingling, Jiwei, Samantha, JinLin, Hanna, Jacq, TeHao, TianHui, Charlene, Grace, Yeevon, and all the people from #Lemorts and #Hoshikuzu that gave me a wonderful time remembering you guys and the times we had in the past this afternoon... =)

How we've grown and changed since then I do not fathom...

2003-12-25T07:04:00.000-08:00

The Days Prior Enlistment...

Watched Infernal Affairs 3 with Ngiap Han today. The plot was super, the acting was super, the show was SUPER. Listened to plenty of army stuff from him, and started to think about what will happen when I enlist. Starting all the way from a REC again... Byebye the days of being addressed as "Sir", something which I've gotten used to for the last 2 years. Good in a sense that I'll be back to the days of listening to orders and following without using much brain power for good, because I do not intend to go to OCS nor SISPEC.

Joined the guys for LAN later in the day, the computers at the LAN shop near Warner Music was quite pathetic, kept lagging and stuff. But it was the most quiet place we could find in town, so it was also good in a sense.

From a certain angle, everything looks good.

Off to play basketball in 8 hours time...

2003-12-06T06:50:00.000-08:00

LOST

Lost many many things in Australia. Passport, IC, Wallet, Handphone and plenty of $$ and my Visa Electron Card. Lost 4 5-point bouts and 1 D.E. bout and 1 team bout as well.

There is a silver lining though, team-mates bagged a indiv bronze and a team silver... losing 45-44 to New South Wales in the Final.

2003-11-18T07:44:00.000-08:00

Pissed off

1. Chemistry Paper 3 today wasn't particularly pleasing.

2. I smell trouble brewing for tomorrow's training.

3. My parents scolded me for leaving a few marks undone in Chemistry Paper 3. Note the "A FEW".

4. My dad opened my bills and scolded me for a $77.71 handphone bill.

So much for privacy. Fuck lah hate the way my parents think they own me and have the right to comment on everything I do thinking they're always right.

2003-11-15T20:40:00.000-08:00

So Far So Good

So far so good. The 'A' Levels seems to be going on smoothly, should be able to bag an A for Maths. GP should not be too bad assuming my comprehension did not screw up. Chemistry... let's see how it goes.

Fencing so far has been quite good. Almost caused an upset today losing 15-14. Did quite well, arguably one of my best showings for the past month or so.

Gotta start mugging soon. Again.

2003-11-04T08:19:00.000-08:00

Braindeadz.

Hope blogger's fine and will stop publishing only the LOTR rubbish that I put up an eon ago. Got a B for chem mock today, thought I really should have gotten an A but well, the less I reap the lesser I sow I guess. Been to training first time since team came back from AFC, wanted to vomit from start to finish. Despite only doing 2 hours of training instead of the usual 3, I'm suitably dead and buried.

I'm more or less prepared for Chemistry III, which means that I will fully concentrate on Maths I n II from tomorrow onwards. Physics can take a backseat now that I've completed most of my 4 stacks of Paper III questions... just finished 17 pages of EM, EMI, Circuitry and Op-amp questions. Which explains the title.

I am more than ever convinced that fear is the major motivating factor in my life. Fear of losing, fear of being without, fear of failure, fear of being looked down upon, fear of everything. Oh well. If I can't find something better, guess letting fear drive me around isn't such a bad thing after all, provided I get to where I wanna get to.

Side effects can wait. Maybe I'll solve them myself if I get to do and complete my psychology course in NUS/SMU.

Long live depression.

2003-10-20T03:45:00.000-07:00

Update update

Mom's baking a banana cake, didn't know one of the ingredients is actually 7-up! How cool is that? Actually it's just fizzy... Anyways, with less than 24 hours to go before I commence on my last practical lab exam in my ENTIRE LIFE (jumps with joy) I discover that I'm rather ill-prepared for it. Training's been zapping my energy for the past week, not to mention my rediscovered craze with emulator games on my PC. And - the Rugby World Cup at that too. Plus, there's also Friendster! Oh man, how to study like that? My table hasn't even been cleared for one week already!

Oh by the way I have this NKF donation card thingie which is supposed to help children with financial difficulties and/or with health problems, and serious ones at that too. So if you meet me and have a couple of 5 bucks to spare... Feel free to chuck them in my envelope! Heh... Don't know why I feel so inclined to help, but I guess it's a good thing! =)

2003-10-11T21:14:00.000-07:00

Laziness Redefined

With 'A' Levels Practical Exams less than 2 days away, I have:

-Done absolutely minimal studying

-Watched every possible Rugby World Cup match

-Watched most Euro 2004 Qualifiers

Sigh. I need to borrow some discipline.

2003-10-06T08:24:00.000-07:00

Anguish

Chemistry - O
Mathematics - C

If this isn't pathetic I don't know what is.

2003-10-05T08:02:00.000-07:00

Left Toe Right Toe Keep Up The Tempo...

Here we go again... Begins on 13th January 2004, 4 days after REC NG turns 19

2003-10-04T08:10:00.000-07:00

Farce

I was the loser today. Lost to him 15-9 in Quarter-Finals. Felt so so so so pissed with myself. Totally drowned in the midst of anger and pain. Pathetic.

The meeting was a farce. Fewer than half of the people who were there had absolutely no interest in what was being said by the 2 BIG SHOTS. Big shots who blatantly tell a gigantic lie to deceive those who did not know the situation.

"The grant of $300 was given to athletes who have been training very hard throughout the whole year as equipment subsidy..."

An athlete who trained for less than one month, less than 20 sessions was prefered to someone who has clocked 106 training sessions in 85 days since 7th May 2003.

A fart to them. That's what they are.

2003-09-20T02:12:00.000-07:00

Lord of the Rings!

What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-09-20T01:06:00.000-07:00

Unfair

This is so fucking unfair. I've been training so hard for the past six months, giving up time for studies, time with my family, time with friends, time for myself, my entire year's worth of savings, and one subject. All for the sake of getting a place in the team. Things looked good for me to get a reserve slot, and a $300 grant to go with it. Then someone who hasn't been training for an entire year stepped into the fray, because "he's the best"(in the past), right into the team sheet to be submitted to SNOC, and took away everything which I had trained so hard for the past year.

My hardwork is nothing to the association, despite me being a fucking A-level student clocking 20 trainings a month during school and 30 during the June holidays. The $1000 I spent on buying new equipment that has been so so so worn out because of day in day out wearing, lunges after lunges, jumps after jumps, the sacrifices I made to turn up for trainings, the hard work I put in because I know I'm not the best but I WANT TO BE. I don't want to and don't dare to ask for money from my parents, because they do not so much approve of me training like a madman, and also I do not want them to worry about me, about the 3 injuries I've been carrying for months. I haven't been able to see a physio for weeks despite acute pains because I've been hanging on in the slimmest of hope that the association can help me endorse my SpexTag application, but they won't. A major competition's up next month, and they happily book the tickets for 3 guys plus HIM, without asking who's interested. Bet the coach doesn't know that HE's going. But who cares? Who cares about this madman who wants to go for this competition that's happening 2 weeks before A level begins? WHO?

They only show one single concern for me. "Eh junbin ah your training mask so rotten and smelly how come don't wanna buy new one?"

Because you robbed me of my chance, because you think I work less hard than the rest, because you prefer someone who was good to someone who wants to be better, because you took away my reserve slot and $300. That's why motherfuckers. All I want to do is to get myself treated like a human, one who can have support from the association, one who can have the financial means to see a doctor, and buy a fucking $60 training mask.

Thank you for showing me how unfair the world is.

2003-09-17T09:43:00.000-07:00

LAO SAI

Disclaimer: Not suitable for the faint hearted, and faint bowel-ed.

Wah lan eh lao sai twice in 15 minutes...took all the energy off my legz man, not that I had much left after training today. The lao sai like sausage at first, then become super watery, den got one marathon 20sec+ fart, then some more watery shit. Smelly like fuck. Like shit too. Chao Pang Sai.

Why so suay? Only ate KFC what...

2003-09-17T09:34:00.000-07:00

So Far So...

Good

Just got home an hour ago from training. Felt totally out of touch despite only having been not training for 3 days. But I felt good after that. Very relaxed, no stress in a tormented n tired brain. Physics 3 was good, think it's my best paper so far. Guess going through the syllabus objectives does help me remember every single shit I have to. Maths 1 was okay, despite only studying it for 2 hours due to my fear of failing Chemistry.

Bad

Which I will. Although I mugged 2 weeks of solid Chemistry and leaving Maths (note practise intensive subject) in the lurch I think I will fail. Big time too. The Chemistry department set the paper in such a way that it made me felt I would be better off spending the time at home studying for my other papers. Waste of paper, time and electricity bills for the MRL. If Chem 1 n 2 both appear in similar fashion I'm on my way to hell.

A B O? Maybe. Wah it sucks. That's assuming I can get A n B for the other 2. Chem might get F.

2003-09-10T09:17:00.000-07:00

Turn Left Turn Right

Very touching movie. Quite funny at times too. It's just damn nice lah. Go watch it and you know what I mean.

Maybe someone who's meant for me is always around me somewhere too, just that I haven't had the chance to meet her.

Sigh.

2003-09-07T07:36:00.000-07:00

Damn nice song... to all my bros out there...

Shin - Tian Gao Di Hou

2003-09-05T07:39:00.000-07:00

What a Day

Running out of days to study, yet I've just wasted another one. For an entire day, I did ACJC Paper 3 for physics, watched tv, tv and more tv. I really should be more disciplined. Ask me out to study anyone? Hopefully someone who doesn't get distracted. Maybe *raise eyebrow* a girl will do fine. Haha. Dream on.

Just like I should about doing well for Prelims.

2003-09-04T07:05:00.000-07:00

Screwed up to the max

Screwed up - Physics Practical, Chemistry Practical, GP Compre(what's new), Physics Design Practical.

To think of it I've screwed up every single paper which I've taken so far. Wow.

Pss... Let you in on a secret. I'm angry and pissed at plenty more things.

Fucking headache.

2003-08-29T09:40:00.000-07:00

Wah lau eh I feel like a cock now. Everything if fucked up and screwed up and whatever vulgar superlatives that you can find. I just wanna go back to the Tower Block to class 4E to be a sec 4 student all over again, with no worries, no politics, in the company of a great bunch of people. Actually the current bunch of friends I have aren't that bad. Maybe the grass is greener on the other side. Maybe what I'm saying is just pang sai.

2003-08-22T07:50:00.000-07:00

It's been a month....

since I last blogged.

Went back to Chinese High today. Met my sec 4 Chinese teacher outside the staff room. Bitched about how I hate school and the people inside nowadays. Talked to her for twenty minutes, and she said that my perspective on the world outside has matured considerably. Perhaps, since I've learnt to try to reciprocate in many more ways than I used to know in my days in the Tower Block. I've learnt to make use of people while being made use of, not to let those sneaky bastards get away with making use of me. Those self centered shit, who live in pretence of slackness and indifference, are the exact people who will make up the leaders of the nation in twenty years time. How I hate that thought.

Sat down for an hour's worth of chat with Mr Lim. I've never been able to talk to any tutor in RJC for more than 5 minutes without wanting to get away. Yet, it feels so comfortable talking to a teacher in my alma mata who has never even taught me before. Such is the difference in meanings of the two schools to me. Chinese High will forever be a home, whereas RJC will just be a phase in life, where I endure through shit to learn how much I actually love Chinese High, which my Chinese teacher agrees. It holds beautiful memories, which is shared by the 35 people which made up the class of 4E 2001.

Then I went back for a bit of NCC, to get a feel of the good old days, before talking to Solomon who stopped me on my way out of Chinese High. I was very happy talking to all these people, all of whom friendly people, whom I can speak to without holding back anything because I know that they respect me as much as I respect them, that we're all one big family, and not backstabbers and people who can only snigger at you and bitch about you.

On this note, I would seriously like to apologise to all the good old pals whom I've neglected over the years who I really really wanted to know better and become your good friend. My NCC Platoon Part D of 2001, especially William, Zhi Qing, Zhong Wei, Yi Long etc, 4E 2001, especially Wei Ren who was my best buddy in class yet lost contact with since JC, Wai Kit, Solomon, Terence, Keith, Dalglish, Colin and more.

Really sorry. Realised how much the good old days meant to me until it's too late.

2003-07-17T19:35:00.000-07:00

Chao Pang Sai

Got raped pretty badly last night during training. Lost to my rival for the last Thailand Open team spot twice, 5-1 and 5-2. Wonder if the jitters are starting to set in... Coach said that I was too focused on winning rather than getting the next point, thereby losing all the proper footwork cum handwork once I got on the piste. All the beats and retreats were so screwed up I was so sure I looked just like the J1 of yesteryear. Updated my fencing journal and discovered I had trained for 47 or more days, a total of around 60+ trainings since mid-May. I don't seem to have improved as much as I would've liked to, I mean everyone who has come for training less than me seems more proficient than me everytime. I am beginning to lose faith in myself, yet I know I must not and cannot. This is not the time to give up, not when I've come so far and gave up so much. Fight!!! Focus is the key... I can't seem to concentrate on either studies or lessons with coach. Pretty screwed, but I hope that as in my previous 2 competitions, my screwed up performances in trainings building up to the competition would have a positive effect on me during the competition.

I must attack, for attack is the only way to score. Onward!

2003-07-14T08:35:00.000-07:00

14 July 2003

Death of a dream. A dream of being at the pinnacle of academic success, being awarded the most prestigious of scholarships. I have finally decided to drop Economics, after one year of struggling with a subject I picked up to make the numbers when I first entered RJC. The dream of picking up 3 S papers, topping the class and doing Chinese High proud in a class predominated by ex-RI students, who are to say the least slightly biased against Chinese High students. I must have been the most hardworking in class, doing all my tutorials conscientiously, yet my results have always failed me. It doesn't help to have parents who think that the only way I can get pathetic results is because I am lazy, or that I'm distracted.

Fortunately I have another dream. I hope not to get disappointed with this one. I want to represent Singapore, and I yearn for the day to hear the Majulah Singapura play with me standing right at the top of the podium, to prove that I have somewhere that I can call my own outside the academic arena. I know I do not have the brains to fight it out with the best, but I will not take losing for granted. I hate losing, just as I hate losing my Economics. I dare say that I am more disappointed than anyone to be dropping Economics, but what can I choose? I did my last assignment as an Economics student - a cost-benefit analysis of hanging on to a subject which I do not have an interest in and have been failing consistently. I have decided to drop it, and I will honour it and bear the shame of joining the 3 subject cohort in RJC, where 3 subject students are scorned and looked down upon. Someday I will prove myself to the world, someday. It's only a matter of time.

2003-07-11T10:04:00.000-07:00

Sucks

Common Test Results: O E D O

Current Stresses in Life:

1. Home: Parents are very worried about me. I am worried about them worrying about me, and mom's health.

2. Fencing: Might not be selected for Thailand Open. Very worried about not realising my dreams of representing my country.

3. Studies: I want to do well. I need to do well. I will and MUST do well.

For my dreams, for all that I've missed out on the past, for honour and glory...

I have now officially relinquished my role as a S/CLT in NCC. After 6 years of sweat, blood and toil, although I dare not say that I have done my best and gave my all to the unit and the organisation, I believe I have done more than what is required of me. It is with regret that both of my ROD celebrations ended with me the only one not being presented with gifts, but without a trace of sour grapes, those gifts don't matter. The 32 platoon mates I started out with in 1998, the 28 that finished with me, the 6 that stuck through JC as CLTs, to all these people who helped shape my life in one way or the other: Thank you for making me who I am today. Thank you for being there.

2003-07-09T09:03:00.000-07:00

ik word beklemtoond
ik word beklemtoond
ik word beklemtoond
ik word beklemtoond
ik word beklemtoond
ik word beklemtoond
ik word beklemtoond
ik word beklemtoond
ik word beklemtoond
ik word beklemtoond
ik word beklemtoond
ik word beklemtoond
ik word beklemtoond

2003-07-06T07:53:00.000-07:00

2003-07-04T10:33:00.000-07:00

You're of the "I hate school"
breed!
You just hate going to school
and can't stand waking up every day just for
school. But no choice, you just force your way
through school and when the time comes, you
leave the country for other, better education
systems. Bah, at least you have the resources
to do so, you rich/smart bugger!!

Which Stereotypical Singaporean Student Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-06-29T07:32:00.000-07:00

ng jun bin
Magic Number	14
Job	Actor
Personality	A Worrier, I Worry That I Worry Too Much
Temperament	Unflappable
Sexual	If I Have To
Likely To Win	A Free Coke
Me - In A Word	Evil
Colour
Brought to you by MemeJack

elton ng jun bin
Magic Number	7
Job	Leader of the Free World
Personality	Vicarious
Temperament	Best Not To Ask
Sexual	Just Say No
Likely To Win	The Booker Prize
Me - In A Word	Divine
Colour
Brought to you by MemeJack

2003-06-14T19:49:00.000-07:00

Back To Civilisation

5 days 4 nights of sprinting up and down beaches, fields, and jumping all over the place, I have managed to emerge tired, injured but a happier person. Should be getting real fit, hope to do well in Nationals.

2003-06-03T09:31:00.000-07:00

Screwed

Today was a screwed up day. 1. No one believed I was in debate back in Chinese High. 2. I did damn badly during training today, VERY BADLY. Don't wanna talk bout it.

2003-05-31T08:24:00.000-07:00

You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and
compassion.

What Matrix Persona Are You?
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2003-05-30T10:20:00.000-07:00

Man Jiang Hong

If the RJ ruggers knew how much this song means then they probably would've sang it after the rugby finals. This song must be the one that best brings out what they feel like man...

2003-05-30T09:56:00.000-07:00

Just wondering. Will I ever do something that will make myself cry because I tried so hard, and make the people around me feel touched? Maybe not. Weak mind.

2003-05-30T09:43:00.000-07:00

Final

13-11.

That final kick of the match will probably be imbued in Justin's mind forever, and so will Ryhan's two missed penalties to him. But nothing can take away the admiration I have for the rugby team today. They fought with agression, conviction and determination. A loose ball would be rushed at in split seconds, doing their desperate best to wrestle free of the ACJC players who leapt onto them everytime they tried to break free. But fate has a way of making fun of people, and as we all know the best team might not win the day after all. Nonetheless, they did Raffles proud. Not that I know of what it means to make Raffles proud, because I have never done it and might never will, and never even thought about it.

Until today.

1st time I stared hard at the college flag when I sang the college anthem. Felt something rush through me. The first thing I said to Kenneth after this was "I'll never lose in anything to anyone from ACJC". Maybe I'll start with not losing to Karina in sabre ever again. Feel the need to do something for the ruggers, for Raffles. I could've swore that the referee was an ACSian, keep disallowing our tries, don't know what's his problem. Felt damn sad when I saw the ruggers cry when the final whistle blew. For most of them, it was the final match of their career, probably their life. What a way to end it.

For every winner there's always a loser. RJC Rugby lost the match, but they won our hearts. All of it.

For the first time ever, Auspicium Melioris Aevi.

2003-05-29T23:45:00.000-07:00

Fencing

Been turning up for training everyday this week, and I will continue to do so until the June holidays end. It's quite a pity that so many of my peers decided to quit to concentrate on the A Levels. Perhaps it was just as well, for I would not have discovered the joy of training with the bunch of people I'm training with now (the Davids, the Gays, RGS kiddies, coach, powerpuff girls etc etc). Perhaps it was their leaving the sparring list that gave me the new lease of life in fencing, perhaps. But what is certain is that fencing has become more than a part of my life, it's something that I look forward to doing, and definitely something I love doing.

I think it was Kenneth who diffused the enthusiasm about fencing to me, his obsession with being Singapore's No1 male epeeist in the years to come and competing in the European circuit as a professional, his ceaseless drumming about how he intends to make the national team and go to SEA Games in 2 years time, that makes me want to train and be better as well.

Perhaps the day will come when fencers around the world would fear opponents wearing the lame/jacket with SIN printed behind, hopefully the day will come when above the SIN lies 4 alphabets... J B NG

2003-05-26T09:25:00.000-07:00

erm him refers to kelvin

2003-05-26T09:09:00.000-07:00

On Self-Criticism

Although this is a bad thing to do, I noticed that I have manifested in myself what he felt Raffles did to him. The feeling that you're never good enough, that you will never be anywhere near the best. Hate school lah, want to train everyday and do stuff that I'm happy with. Damn stupid lah can't shake off the stupid depression that's been sticking around me for 2 years, pretending to be happy, chirpy and hyper when all I am is just but a lump of smelly stony shit that everyone shuns.

I am very hard on myself. Don't know why. Maybe because I want to be better off than I always am, just inching forward every now and then. Hua Min taught me to compete at the highest level, Chinese High taught me how to work dilligently and be humble, and Raffles just brought me down and destroyed everything I had. I'm only thankful to Raffles for fencing, the rest is all shit. The school, the people, most of them are all lousy shit. Keep looking down on people like they're the best, keep thinking of ways to out-bitch, out-rich and out-cheat each other, all in the name of the Rafflesian Spirit. Stinks.

I want to train everyday. Think I shall from next week onwards, maybe till the end of August. Sigh. How can I be ever happy? Somebody teach me to be satisfied? I can't seem to weigh out the costs of dropping 1 subject and forgoing possible scholarship chances. Possible cause my results stink currently.

Singapore kind of sucks. Can't even find a decent place for us to have our Sabre camp. If it ends up as a day camp we'll all be MAJORLY BITTERLY disappointed.

Fucked up person with a fucked up life in a fucked up college in a fucked up country in a fucked up world.

2003-05-26T07:54:00.000-07:00

Cute

Of all desirable characteristics, CUTE?!!!! Haha... the least comment I'd expect. Maybe I should've looked cuter too, haha too bad got a fuck face lah huh?

Dilema Of The Day:To Train (Everyday) or Not To Train?

How?

2003-05-25T10:19:00.000-07:00

Trials

5/10. Middle of nowhere again. Could've done much much better. But at least I did win some unexpected bouts =). And lost by a very narrow margin. So yea, well I'm happy.

2003-05-25T10:18:00.000-07:00

Columbia
You've worn all black since you were nine and knew,
even as a nine year old living in nowheresville
that you were a New Yorker at heart. Well, you
wont make it in the big city. I'm sorry tike.
Still, have fun while it lasts, because the
rumor is, most Columbia students don't.

Which Ivy League University is right for YOU?
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2003-05-20T02:22:00.000-07:00

Accomodating

Had a lengthy argument with Dad on the way home last night about who should accomodate who. I have been requested (understatement) to accomodate the requests of my mother and be a nice filial child that I should be. In my most honest opinion, I think that accomodation is not a sign of filial piety; but rather just a sign of weak submission. I mean, if following orders can make someone filial, then what separates human beings from trained animals int he zoo?

Also had a problem with why I should accomodate the whole damn world. In school, I have to compromise to school rules. In class, I have to agree to requests by teachers to do this and that. At home, I must abide by whatever my parents ask of me. Now that I've tried to do all these, who can I find to accomodate me, satisfy my needs and ultimately make me happy? Is this another vicious cycle of society? To be tortured before being allowed to torture? To understand the pain of not having anyone accomodating you before you enjoy the fun and happiness of feeling accomodated?

Training for the second time in a row, hope I don't die during tonight's training. I'm currently withstanding a barrage from the flu virus and a pile of homework the height of Bukit Timah Hill(ok so it's not a lot but it's still there). Didn't do well during training last night; even if coach forgives me I won't. Feeling sleepy, shall drink some Red Bull before starting training, hope it helps. Fortunately, I can boast AAB in my last 3 Chemistry Tests to my parents so that they won't nag at me about my studies.

Cheerios.

2003-05-17T10:04:00.000-07:00

Weak

First time I felt so weak in ages. Ever since my first training with the new coach I've been playing catch-up with my physical ability. Hope that like I did in NCC, I will achieve his demands soon. No point going for trainings unless I want to improve. Won't improve unless I go for trainings. Hope I do well at the trials next weekend, top 4 would be a delight. Maybe beating Derrick and Jay would be a more reasonable target maybe? How can I stop my muscles from aching so that I can clock in good training sessions everytime?

Got confirmation that I'm a perfectionist (wannabe?) today. My comments about training were deemed "politically correct" by everyone present, but that's how I feel. Subconsciously trying to be perfect? But I want to be. As close to it as possible would be nice. I don't understand what the fuss about A Levels are about. Surely with the amount of effort I'm putting in I should be able to get decent results without compromising my 4 times a week training sessions. Screw school. If it took less time I would be able to fence more. Or as Monica (coach's daughter) says, just go to Europe. First hand feeling of how school screws up sportspeople in Singapore.

Bah. Watching Matrix Reloaded tomorrow. Wasted $0.70 on advance booking. The show'd better be worth the money.

2003-05-10T22:44:00.000-07:00

Tired

Haven't managed to walk properly since Wednesday. Trained 3 times this week, no doubt I will improve both physically and mentally in the weeks to come, but this initial pressure on my physical ability has just revealed how weak I really am. Need to train more man...

Riddle: What's the chinese idiom for a group of eunuchs talking together in a group?

Answer: Wu2 Ji4 Zhi1 Tan2

2003-05-08T03:55:00.000-07:00

On Tiring Trainings and NAPFA

First time I gave up halfway doing NAPFA. Training last night had completely sapped me of my energy, and despite applying Yoko-yoko all over my legs twice and downing 2 cans of Red-bull, I still could not jump to a C grade in SBJ and so decided to rest for the retest next Tuesday.

I'll be back.

2003-05-08T03:54:00.000-07:00

You are an IDEALISTIC VIRGIN.

What Kind of Virgin Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-05-03T08:48:00.000-07:00

Mixed Day

Pissed about:

Lousy SAT Test at the expense of fencing training
Didn't get Lan places at Coronation

Happy about:

Got to Lan in the end
Something flattering happened.

2003-04-28T08:05:00.000-07:00

Today...

Chem test was ok. Won't do badly, but don't think will do well either. Aiyah I'm quite stupid and slow.

Kudos to Fencing Exco 2003-2004, great bunch of people... Enthusiastic, Motivated, you say it they have it. Cleaned out the store with this bunch of fabulous people and even the non Exco members joined in! Enjoyed the two hours with them and the dinner, think they'll do well in the months to come. Well done people!

2003-04-27T07:34:00.000-07:00

Weak

Felt weak today. Emotionally, physically, and mentally. Woke up at 11am, watched the last 2 episodes of At The Threshold of An Era II at one shot, and I must admit that the last episode was very well done. Made me really really want to cry, but I held the tears back. Tried to do work throughout the entire afternoon, but left all my tutorials half finished cause I am really stupid and don't know what's going on. Slept till 8pm and woke up to watch Rangers vs Celtic, then now watching Man City vs West Ham. Chem test tomorrow, trying to study a bit now, but I think I'll fail. Stupid lousy weak me.

2003-04-26T08:28:00.000-07:00

Ten Reasons Why Today is a Bad Day

1. Woke up late for training.

2. Performed badly for training.

3. Lost my lunch buddy.

4. Caught in the rain after lunch.

5. Froze to death in the bus.

6. Wasted my time at home before tuition doing nothing online.

7. Forgot to shave before going for tuition

8. Bought a shaver to shave before going for tuition, so went for tuition late.

9. Had a ton of tuition homework to complete.

10. Had to disappoint my good pal by rejecting an offer of basketball tomorrow.

Sigh. And I'm feeling like a bastard all over again because of...

2003-04-24T07:59:00.000-07:00

Live To Fight Another Day

Manchester United 4 - 3 Real Madrid (Agg: 5 - 6)

And so we went out. And very rightly so. Real Madrid showed why they are the current European Champions by showing two ingredients that Man U so clearly lacked over the two-legged quarter-finals --- stout defending and clinical finishing. For all of Man U's possesion, Real never really allowed Man U to play around at the edge of their area the way Man U let Real do, and were seriously unlucky to concede the two own goals which should never have been. At the other end of the field, Man U's defence backed off at every Real attack, allowing the talented Figo-Zidane-Carlos combination to work wonders time and again, mesmerising even television audiences 22,000km away in Singapore. That said, Man U should have buried Real 8-4 last night, had Casillas not saved 3 certain goals, and had Solksjaer placed his diving header to the right side of the near post when there was an open goal. But that showed United's lack of clinical finishing in their opponents penalty box. If you don't bury your opponents, they will bury you. And true enough while there was Raul two weeks ago at the Bernabeu, there was Ronaldo last night at Old Trafford. Real Madrid do not need second invitations to score; Man U seemed to need it more.

I believe that Man U needs to beef up their squad in the summer. Keane needs to be replaced; he is not the Keane we were so used to seeing in the late 90s, he seems to be in the squad by credit rather than merit. We need a midfield maestro, someone like Aimar, and another Van Nistelrooy to partner himself in attack, for we need one to create and one to score. Very often last night one or the other was lacking so blatantly it was little wonder than Alex Ferguson was frowning throughout the match. I do hope that Man U will return to Europe as Kings of England, and come next May, we'll be able to lift the Champions Cup by playing some clinical football of our own.

Ok, so this week has not just been football. Got C for Physics, borderline 55, but at least it ensured that I A.C.E. + O my Common Tests. So much for mugging for three weeks. Great reward there. And I'm in a semi-depressed mood. Is that supposed to be good or bad?

2003-04-17T08:17:00.000-07:00

Oh bother. Yet another person pissed off with me because I've said too much about myself. I seem to be friends-repelling. Get away from me, all of you.

2003-04-17T08:15:00.000-07:00

I Hate Myself

I HATE MYSELF. I am so, so on the verge of breaking down. There's nothing, absolutely nothing to be positive about in my spastic zero-value life. I am in another of those lowest-point-in-my-life -again-. I'm near the lower rung of rankings among guys in fencing, and I'm banking on some of them to quit to push up my rankings, which makes me look and feel damn evil and guilty. In academics, I'm the lowest lifeform in class, because no matter how much I study I always end up getting the same scores as people who don't study get. Social life is a low too, I am beginning to get very very very tired with the people in school, I really feel like fucking the next person who crosses my path so bad that the whole school will sit up and notice THAT I BLOODY EXIST! I am not someone who exists in class so that if I don't do homework, quote Kennard "if junbin don't do homework then no one will do liao", nor is my existence solely for bitchy remarks that require 0 IQ about how Chinese High is, and all the groundless spastic remarks to be directed at. Neither do I exist so that I can churn out pieces of homework to be copied. I don't know why I exist either. I'm always treated like a nobody. Nobody don't have friends. I certainly come close to having none.

Felt so alone today. No one wanted to catch a movie with me. Spent the entire afternoon doing work, and falling asleep, then realising that I don't know how to do my maths tutorial at all. Helped someone I liked in the past do a maths question, then met someone I liked for a very long time on the bus back. All these has only served to remind me that I'm -still alone-. I don't know how much longer I can hold out by distracting myself from thinking about all these negative stuff by listening to Mp3s at near-max volume, reading the papers whenever I have spare time, or by doing something or the other, and staring blankly out of the window during rides home. All I know is someday I will explode. And Die.

I need a friend. Will you be my friend?

*NB: I'm quite choosy when it comes to friends. But...

2003-04-15T07:59:00.000-07:00

Further Screw Ups

General Paper - C5 (expected B3 or B4)

Physics - A so far (MCQ only, after I get back the other 70 marks... sure fail)

Just heard 2 pieces of whacky news. In Hong Kong there's actually a market for second-hand surgical masks. Who the hell in their right mind would buy those?!! An even more whacky news, some Indian guy actually tried to rob financial outlets and people in a SURGICAL MASK!!! Seriously afraid.

Ha.

2003-04-14T08:21:00.000-07:00

Hurray

Mathematics - A (expected)

Chemistry - O (expected A or B)

Economics - O (expected C or D)

What can I say. I am more than pissed with my results, scoring just 2 percentage marks higher than people who did not study at all. Three weeks of studying = 2 percentage marks? Fuck it. To make my day worse, it rained when I was embarking on my new stay-lean-run-more scheme that might help me clock faster 2.4km timings too. To round off a splendidly screwed up day, mom nagged at me from the moment I stepped into the house right until the moment she closed her bedroom door and went of to dreamland. Kao this is a screwed up world. When will I get rewarded for TRYING SO GOD DAMN FUCKING HARD?

2003-04-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

Heal The World

There's A Place In Your Heart

And I Know That It Is Love

And This Place Could Be Much

Brighter Than Tomorrow

And If You Really Try

You'll Find There's No Need To Cry

In This Place You'll Feel

There's No Hurt Or Sorrow

There Are Ways To Get There

If You Care Enough For The Living

Make A Little Space

Make A Better Place...

Heal The World

Make It A Better Place

For You And For Me

And The Entire Human Race

There Are People Dying

If You Care Enough

For The Living

Make A Better Place

For You And For Me

If You Want To Know Why

There's A Love That Cannot Lie

Love Is Strong

It Only Cares For Joyful Giving

If We Try We Shall See

In This Bliss We Cannot Feel

Fear Or Dread

We Stop Existing And Start Living

Then It Feels That Always

Love's Enough For Us Growing

So Make A Better World

Make A Better World...

Heal The World

Make It A Better Place

For You And For Me

And The Entire Human Race

There Are People Dying

If You Care Enough

For The Living

Make A Better Place

For You And For Me

And The Dream We Were Conceived In

Will Reveal A Joyful Face

And The World We Once Believed In

Will Shine Again In Grace

Then Why Do We Keep

Strangling Life

Wound This Earth

Crucify Its Soul

Though It's Plain To See

This World Is Heavenly

Be God's Glow

We Could Fly So High

Let Our Spirits Never Die In My Heart

I Feel You Are All My Brothers

Create A World With No Fear

Together We Cry Happy Tears

See The Nations Turn Their Swords Into Plowshares

We Could Really Get There

If You Care Enough For The Living

Make A Little Space

To Make A Better Place...

Heal The World

Make It A Better Place

For You And For Me

And The Entire Human Race

There Are People Dying

If You Care Enough

For The Living

Make A Better Place

For You And For Me (x4)

There Are People Dying

If You Care Enough

For The Living

Make A Better Place

For You And For Me (x2)

You And For Me (x10)

- Michael Jackson

1.3 million phone calls were made tonight in the NKF-Rock Records Charity Show. The sudden influx of phonecalls shocked everyone; we are currently in an economic crisis, our country is hit by SARS, the world is divided on the US-led war against Iraq, all of these points to an all time low for the charity event. However, it may well be that with all the suffering and uncertainty that embroiled the world of late has made us even more concerned about everyone around us. We feel more compassionate, for we realise that life is very very fragile, and uniting for such a good cause will distract us from our fears, sufferings and uncertainties. It might lift the gloom that surrounds us now, and it will certainly make us feel stronger. Will this make Singaporeans less indifferent to our surroundings from now? I don't know, but this may well be a greater step towards a more caring nation. For you and for me.

2003-04-10T07:22:00.000-07:00

On Dogs and Me(n)

I feel like a dog at home. I have to respond to my parents every time they call out "boy ah! go eat!", then I'd have to eat. "boy ah! so late already still don't wanna bathe!", then I have to go and bathe. "boy ah!! so late already still don't wanna sleep!", then I'd have to shut down my computer and go and sleep. What makes them think I'm their puppet, who is always at their beck and call. They want me to study, I have to study. You get the idea. They don't. I have to be this way, that way, and still they won't stop requesting me to do this and that. A plate comes before me and my mom says "eat!" den I'd have to gobble all the god damn stuff up. Failing to comply would require quarelling for 10 minutes all over again.

I really want to leave this place, or scream at them real good for once. But I can't. Because I have my obligations to them, and yet the more obliged I feel towards them the more frustrated I become. Sooner or later they way they want me to be will BE me, and I would just end up being someone who listens to everyone who calls out to me to do something.

Slave? Or Ben-Hur in the making? Gladiator?

2003-04-06T09:17:00.000-07:00

Bin There Done That

I just kept quiet. When Mom raved at me when I got home I just kept quiet. I really feel like leaving home. Then she can't complain about me using the computer late into the night, about high electricity bills, about me. I think I'm the only one whom she can vent all her frustration on. She feels that the whole world owes her something, because of what people did to her in the past. I feel that it's damn fucked up that I have to be the one who takes all the screaming and shouting. I just wanna leave.

Sigh.

2003-04-05T08:37:00.000-08:00

On Chocolate Fillings

Choose between: almond, coffee, strawberry marshmallow or peppermint....

Almond. Me.

Climbing the almond tree of prosperity, you desire success and you like to celebrate your achievements. You have a quickness of mind that can stagger your friends. You can change your conversation or your beliefs very rapidly. You love making changes to yourself, because there are so many thoughts in your head. You like to offer a hand in friendship and are keen to help others. Excess: You can appear flippant to people who do not know you. You have the best of intentions, but some people just don't want to be changed, so stop trying. You may rely on helping hands from others when you could do something yourself.

True, true.

2003-04-04T06:39:00.000-08:00

Good Stuff

Physics Lecture Notes

Zhi-Jun forwarded this to me. Should be pretty useful stuff for people like me who needs last minute Physics crash course in an attempt, although desperate, to pass the upcoming Common Test, provided RAdm(NS) Teo Chee Hean does not continue closing schools. On one hand I would like to get the stupid test over and done with, while on the other I sincerely believe that I need damn a lot of time to prepare for it, especially since I've wasted the past few days doing nothing.

Can't stand being cooped up at home any longer. It's pretty boring. And that was an understatement.

2003-04-03T08:13:00.000-08:00

Junk Thoughts

Singapore's government is seriously quite smart. It has decided to release the findings on the RSS Courageous on Friday. 1. Most people wouldn't be bothered because of SARS and War in Iraq. 2. We're in the middle of a slight economic crisis worldwide so people would care more about what they're going to do in case they get retrenched. 3. The students are the only people who could care because they're stuck at home, but most wouldn't care about it anyway. They can tell us the CO of the ship is court-marshalled, dismissed from service dishonourably after being reduced to a rank of PTE and no one would care. Most won't anyway. Hence my point about government being smart. They disclose potentially controversial stuff during times where there are more important issues at hand, hence being able to get it out of the way with as little repercussions as possible.

Sounds like deja-vu today when I heard Waikit telling us about what happened yesterday cause I read his blog last night.

The boobs test on Bryan's page is quite interesting, perhaps only to guys maybe. *snort* I got the same results as him, nicest boobs available. *HAH* But I have this stinking feeling that the page was meant for ladies not gentlemen.

Sleepy. Pissed Mom off big time. Gotta sleep early. Unlike previous days of 2am-5am bedtimes. *zzz*

2003-04-02T07:02:00.000-08:00

Transparency

Am I really too transparent? I think my actions are because of my being deprived of care and attention. Then again my lack of care and concern may be because of my own behaviour which may tend to repel people. I just chuck everything about me at you, so at the very least whether you care or not you'll know something about me. For example, I will send you a SMS in the middle of the day that says "Hey how's your day? I'm having lecture now, lecturer damn boring. You?" or something along those lines, so that you'd know and maybe start a conversation from there. That's how pathetic I am lah. Maybe because I know deep down inside that no one will ever send me this kind of SMS, so I pretend that people whom I care about actually sent me "How's your day?" and just reply. Maybe. What a loser.

By the way, how old would you like to live until? Just a question posed to me by my friend last night.

2003-03-30T07:16:00.000-08:00

Grumble

I'm losing interest to come online. Despite having more than 100 people in my ICQ list, there are less than 5 whom I feel like having a conversation with who would have a conversation with me, assuming they're online when I'm online. There are only -that- many websites that I can read, blogs, soccernet, and checking my yahoo mail. Other than that I'm just staring at the computer and stoning. Once upon a time I used to have endless conversations in IRC and ICQ, and don't even have enough time to talk to everyone. Now no one has time to talk to me.

This extra holidays are getting on my nerves. I can't get the things I want to get done done. Actually I can't get anything done at all. And I'm running out of boredom relieving stuff to do. The War on Iraq is becoming more of a hassle to follow, the SARS virus is the last thing I want to know about; everyday more things points to having an extended extended holidays. The taxi driver who ferried the fourth index patient was just found, and now they're looking for the taxi driver who ferried the fifth index (Bowen guy) to TTSH. Wish my Dad would stop working for a while, although that's not an economically viable option. Screw this holidays. I don't need it. Do you?

2003-03-29T08:17:00.000-08:00

On Posting Again

One more thing about saying "haha". Keeps me falsely comfortable knowing that I can still believe that I'm happy. On a night where I don't feel like talking to anyone, I think the blog serves it's purpose quite well as a channel for me to express myself. I'm just going to type and type so if there's no intention on reading rubbish please skip this blog. =)

One. War. This war, I feel, is always going to be settled on two issues. Firstly, who wins the propaganda war. Be it CNN, BBC, or Al-Jazeera, all these stations have vested interests when reporting on the war. CNN and BBC of course, is pro-coalition, although they though tend to play with our minds a little by trying to bring us coverage on life inside Iraq, which is of course in line with what the coalition says, filled with hunger, suffering, and the people longed to be freed from the evil clutches of Saddam Hussein. Al-Jazeera on the other hand, focuses on the pro-Arab, pro-Iraqi coverage which shows innocent civillians being casualties of the Coalition's "99% accurate sophisticated bombs". I don't think that anyone can be so objective as to really say who's right and who's wrong, because we're all affected by what we see. There's no such thing as an objective TV station. But let's consider the what-ifs: What if the Iraqis mostly don't mind the Saddam regime? Most of them would not commit the crimes that would render them vulnerable to so-called torture chambers of Saddam Hussein. What if the Iraqis don't possess the weapons of mass destruction? The failure to uncover these weapons with which the United States and the United Kingdom used as a justification for the campaign against Iraq would lose a great deal of credibility. What if? Secondly, the enthusiasm with which the Coalition troops have in the invasion of Iraq could proof to be their own downfall. With the frontline troops at 60km from Baghdad, and the southernmost troops still trapped at Umm Qasr and Basrah, supply lines are so stretched that the Iraqi troops could just cut them into two and surround the Marines near Baghdad. Heard on the news that frontline troops are rationing their supplies to one meal of combat rations a day per person, which means that unless supplies arrive soon enough for them, they might not have much fight left in them faced with a resolute Republican Guards elite that are willing to drip every single drop of their blood for Iraq, their homeland. These Marines may even be annilihated if the Iraqi troops cut off their supply lines now and surround them. This would mean total catastrophy for the coalition troops, which might then bring George Bush and Tony Blair to the stage of ceasefire talks if the pressure their respective populace piles on them proves to be too great.

Suddenly amidst my sudden burst of enthusiasm and optimism towards life I feel lethargic. Maybe it's because of continuous late nights due to excessive CM01/02, maybe it's because of the flu bug going around, SARS or not there was this flu bug going around before the SARS outbreak. I feel so alone again, yet thankful that 4 people have asked me to go out in the last 3 days, more than the total for this year alone I think. Well, maybe the SARS have taken away their first choices or something lah, but a day out is always better than a day at home, anytime =). I need to be a better friend, and I probably feel that I deserve better friends too. Maybe it's because I try to give a lot to people whom I think matter to me but I get real exasperated when I don't get much from them back in return. I think I'm a terror to some people. In the middle of the day I'll just drop a message about what I'm doing now, and expect people to return the SMS and start a conversation. I never got those SMSes before, but I've always had this feeling I'll feel damn great if people bothered to tell me what they're doing and ask me how my day was, so I try to ask the people whom I sort of care for how's their day and such, and most of the time I get no replies or monosyllabic replies. That's when I know I just rammed my head into a concrete wall. Maybe I'm a nuisance. I mean, I try to care for people and hope that they care in return because if I don't care for someone then no one will care for me in the first place. (Logic?) Well, whatever. Just hope to have a bunch of real friends who will care for me and share my secrets lah. Fencing doesn't seem to be such a place, neither does NCC. Neither is school, so that pretty much leaves me...-ScReWeD-

I think I've said sufficient. Although there's always plenty more to say in my mind. Who wants to listen anyway? Raise your hands anyone?

2003-03-29T07:03:00.000-08:00

Haha

I noticed I like to say "haha" many times in conversations over ICQ, and IRC as well. Maybe it is to make up for the blacking-out of my mind during conversations when I don't have anything better to say. Perhaps that is why I don't sound serious online. I mean, even when I'm saying sad things about myself, I'll follow it in the next line with a "haha". Weird, isn't it. I guess so, but then again it also gives me a sense of "I'm-saying-something" when I've nothing to say in a conversation. Which brings me to my inability to hold a conversation well, because I can't go "haha" in the middle of a conversation without looking (i)retarded, (ii)clumsy, and (iii)seriously-trying-too-hard. So I stick to the awkward silences, which doesn't go down too well either with people I talk with. By the way watch "City Sharks" for 2-hours of no-brainer laughaton. It's well worth the money if one seeks distraction from mundane life, especially with the war and the virus bringing down the mood of the country.

2003-03-28T06:04:00.000-08:00

Boredom

Being cooped up at home is no fun at all. Not that I can't go out, but there's nothing much I can do even if I go out anyway. Either the company's not there or I don't want to be in it. Tried doing Maths tutorials, and then went to play CM on the computer. Can't wait for my new computer to come, this computer is set and ready to see the rubbish collection center downstairs. Then I can embark on playing many many more PC games which my current computer cannot handle, like CM4, etc etc. Went for a jog, saw plenty of joggers there, and an old acquaintance. Worked out, and discovered how weak I became. Must have been the lack of exercising due to breaks, common tests etc etc. Now with the SARS outbreak and closure of schools, I guess it's really up to me to train myself up again, physically, academically, and hopefully mentally.

2003-03-27T08:06:00.000-08:00

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Test

2003-03-26T06:35:00.000-08:00

Again

Haven't posted twice in one day for a very, very long time... While talking to PY I realised that I have to revive my life now. And I mean right now, because with impending As and NS, I might never have a better chance than now to do it... But how should I go about doing it? Sigh.

2003-03-26T05:37:00.000-08:00

Today

Good News and Bad News. Good News: I did quite well for Maths paper, I think. I do feel that an A is not impossible after this afternoon's paper; not to be proud but just don't wish to be hypocritical. Another thing to be happy about is that I don't have to take my Physics paper tomorrow, after MOE decided to close down all schools for one week till the SARS blows over, literally. Bad News: SARS is real serious. Number two, Coalition troops are seriously being held up near Baghdad. This means more people will die in the struggle between good and evil, and good does not necessary represent the United States. Number three, the free holidays will come at the expense of June holidays, meaning I'll have one week less then to study for my A Levels. Might just prove fatal, and I haven't thought of a strategy to deal with it yet. I'm not kiasu, I just want to have a clearer sight of my goals in life. And where I'm moving towards.

2003-03-25T06:36:00.000-08:00

On Life

Life has been pleasant. Going through a monotonous phase now, which is rather pleasant in comparison to wallowing in self-pity, misery, and relying on myself to provide comfort for myself. Chemistry paper yesterday was fine, as usual many people said it was hard, they're going to fail etc etc, but I don't think so. This level of humbleness has escalated to one of hypocrisy instead, insisting they're going to fail so that they can pleasantly surprise themselves when they do very well, or maybe they just want to let other people not have negative thoughts about them, as opposed to them saying "aiyah itz damn ez anione also can do" at the end of papers when the whole world is groaning and moaning. Economics was quite ok, talked plenty of cock in the paper, but I felt that I have done sufficiently to achieve my goals for Econs this common tests which is far from an A. Unfunny jokes aside, my only worry isn't the Maths paper tomorrow, but rather the Physics paper that will come on Thursday morning. Think that is the biggest challenge I'll face this common tests.

And I desperately want to do well.

2003-03-21T08:21:00.000-08:00

On War

Perhaps it is a bad omen, but the Coalition troops were the first to suffer military casualties. I still feel that George Bush was wrong to start this war. I mean, if he can ignore the decision of the UN Security Council now there's no guarantee that he won't do it again to some other country that he deems as being in a position to threaten American interests worldwide on the pretext of safeguarding World Peace. I find myself hoping that this will end up like the Vietnam War, although I don't want the coalition troops to perish, but I feel that George Bush has to learn to stop SOMEWHERE. Instead of being obsessed about getting the world economy up again, he's trying to ruin the economy. I heard over FM95.8 on the way home, from this well-known Chinese author, whose works I might have been forced to read while still in secondary school, that the root of all problems is still scarcity. Truely, it suddenly dawned upon me that if the entire world has food to eat, have water to drink, then maybe peace can be achieved. Wars have always been waged due to insatiable apetities, an over-zealous leader. This time it's no different. It's about oil, terrorists, mixed into the turmoil already tearing apart the Islamic world. If Muslims worldwide were not made to feel marginalised by their American/Christian counterparts, then maybe the atrocities that has embroiled this world for the last decade or so might not have been in the first place.

Well, just some thoughts.

2003-03-18T08:28:00.000-08:00

What a Day

I knew that I could not keep up to my stringent timetable for 2 consecutive days. It's probably not time yet to push myself to the limits, knowing how I screwed up my Os because I pushed myself too hard for Prelims... Woke up at 0900h, the time at which I was supposed to start work on Tutorial 13C, the final piece of jigsaw in my memory before I began embarking on past year Maths CT Papers. The Physics paper I did yesterday was totally disastrous; even without an Answer Key I knew I would never reach anywhere near a C or D. Oh bother. After finishing the tutorial at 1045h, instead of doing NMR revision which was next on the list, I stared blankly at the computer screen, downloading MSN Messanger for the second time in 4 years. The only thing I got down to do on schedule today was having lunch at 1230h, and leaving house for HQ NCC at 1330h.

Bad day it was to choose to make the long journey by foot to Amoy Quee. It was hot, very hot. When CH and I arrived at AMQ, we discovered 3 changes. 1. CLT Club has finally started work; 2. East and West District Offices merged; 3. There is now a gym at where half of Central Office was. None of the West MTTs were there due to the Mt. Ophir trip, which I should have anticipated. Ended up singing songs and playing guitar with CH, chatting with Mrs Ho and wasted the entire afternoon away. Saw her in camp for a moment, and I turned away just before I thought she saw me. Sigh. At 1700h we finally decided to make a move, and did a good deed number one by helping Mrs Ho post 44 letters to various school units.

Went to study at the Woodlands Regional Library at 1900h after dinner at Long John's. At 1930h, the fire alarm sounded. All the shutters on the fourth floor immediately came down and locked us all in, save for the unlocked fire stairwell. The efficient librarians at the WRL finally notified us at 2015h that it was a false alarm, after they had thoroughly in their own words "invested" the incident, and the shutters were lifted. Oh well. Seems that we only employ world class labour where the world can see them, and domestic class labour where locals could see them.

Got reacquainted with DDR today, after watching some people playing it in Woodlands. I must admit I'm very out of touch, the last time I played was during my OG outing early last year. But somehow I feel like playing it again, just like the way I feel like wasting my entire Sec 2 n 3 end of year holidays playing DDR, and upgrading slowly from Easy to Maniac mode.

Would be booking in for Camp Feast on 28th, straight through to 30th. It was quite a mad decision really, when the whole world is rejoicing at the thought of common tests ending, I would be torturing myself taking care of hundreds of secondary two kiddos who does not seem to have an ounce of discipline in them. Furthermore I'll miss precious Sabre trainings. But then again, in life everyone gains some but loses some, when we're on the PPC of life we can't be better off without leaving others worse off, provided we are at our most productive level, ceteris paribus. Why can't we have the best of both worlds? Why do I have the worst of both? I can't possibly expect answers from you, because I and only I am responsible for my own fate and destiny.

Perhaps I might have found the reason why some people, or rather most, find me repelling. From a casual chat with N, although rather one sided, I might actually be repelling people because I talk about my thoughts openly. Perhaps people don't like one another being so transparent to one another, perhaps we all like to live in a world where everyone pretends, to be happy, indifferent, crazy, and think we know enough about ourselves and others, that when one person tries to let you in on something you never thought he was actually thinking of, it destroys your self-spun opinions and hence make you unwilling to accept that person around you anymore. Like the person you thought you knew turned out to be a stranger. Hm maybe I'm not making sense, someone tell me if I am. But I want to be transparent, I want to let everyone know what I'm thinking of most, if not all the time, because I hate fake people, and I'd hate myself if I too were to become fake.

Was supposed to talk about something else too. Kind of forgot. Anyway it's time for NMR, Nitrogen Compounds, and Maths CT 02 and Champions League soccer till 5:30am in the morning. Until then, may I not collapse from exhaustion and may all of you sleep soundly and dream sweetly, just remember that when you wake up you'll never find the sweet world your dream makes this world to be.

2003-03-17T06:35:00.000-08:00

On gossip mongers

And suddenly my phone rings to the sound of "Zhi Lai Zhi Wang" by Stepfanie Sun...

"Hello? Who's this?" I said.

"EH YOU'RE TRYING TO JIO ****** ISSIT?"a familiar voice screamed at me.

"So what if I am?"

"EH U VERI WU JI (aka got balls, daring in a local slang) LEH, SPEND $400+ ON HER"

"So what if I did?"

And so began a I-am-trying-to-digress-away-from-this-topic conversation from me, and after five minutes of struggle I finally got the nosy parker off the phone.

And so it sets me off on another lecture-the-whole-world blog entry again. When I was down and out, no one bothered to give me a call. I spent every night in misery, and no one cared. Spare for Keith (many thanks), Kelvin (occasionally), and this nice kind-hearted soul (you know who you are) who bothered to say something nice. And when news that I was trying to woo her got out, goodness knows how, people started ringing me up, and irritate me like mad. Don't pretend that you care when you don't. You just want something to feed on, some sort of gossip, (reminds me of Kennard), just something to strike a conversation with the bitches you sit around with on a table or something to share with guys in the male bonding sessions in the toilet (totally clean link here).

Why can't people care at the right time about the right thing?

2003-03-15T07:41:00.000-08:00

Good News and Bad News

Good News: Finished 3rd at Schools Invitationals. My best individual placing ever. Gotta work hard on it some more, try to make a medal standing permanent...

Bad News: Lost to a very good female fencer in the Semis. I'm a sexist, so...yah. Bad News.

There are plenty more good and bad news, but I don't think I want to share them until I've sorted them out.

2003-03-13T06:58:00.000-08:00

14 Days

Zui Ai Ni De Ren Shi Wo. This is an oldie which resonates in my ear day after day, night after night. For those of you who know this song, refer to the chorus and you'll know how I feel. For those who don't, don't bother because it'll not do you much of a good to search for this song. Don't think that anyone will even bother finding out what I say. Disclaimer: By anyone I refer to people whom I care whether they care for me or not.

Enough said about the events between me and her. Actually it's between me and me. There were never sufficient events that happened between the two of us for anything to happen substantially. What I've realised is that for all the suffering that I've put myself through it didn't matter a bit to her. So while I am going to place my love for her aside and battle hard for my upcoming common tests, I won't stop loving her. In the short term at least. Fixed factor.

Yesterday...

General Paper was a disaster, designed to kill if put in an extreme way. I would be very very glad to scrape 55 marks or so. B4 would do fine for now.

The future

Hope to get AABB for Common Tests. Would do my confidence a great boost by scoring well and throwing a few As and Bs at the faces of the people who doubt my competency. I hope that the people around me can get better grades, even though it may be partly their fault for not being able to score well due to packed schedules.

Thanks to the people who have been trying to cheer me up, you know who you are... but somehow those words just fail to lift me. Sorry, but I somehow remember telling those to other people whom I've tried to cheer, and somehow it just leads to the feeling that those words are just some sort of formality, no matter how it's said it won't change the way your life is. It just makes you feel better knowing that you've tried at the very least to cheer up people who matter to you, but it won't make their life better. It's up to me to make my life better or worse. I'd rather not try. For so long I've been trying to do things to my life, and it ended up being the worst decisions made in my life. Mistakes like choosing schools, choosing friends, choosing people to care for, to love, and the biggest mistake is the belief that I can change the way my life is. Think that I will just chuck my wretched life in some corner of this room, and see how it goes from there. Perhaps it'll shrivel and rot, or it will blossom and bloom.

2003-03-10T06:06:00.000-08:00

Do you know...

What it feels like when someone who means the world to you does not even have a place for you in her world?

I DO. And it ain't feeling good.

2003-03-09T06:19:00.000-08:00

Hello?

2003-03-09T00:48:00.000-08:00

Hell

Once again I performed my utmost best at the National Trials, only to lose all my bouts. Lost round-robin 5-2, 5-3, 5-4, 5-4. Lost in the Round of 16 15-10, finishing 10th out of 11 male sabreurs. I've always wondered about why, despite turning up for training most frequently, I always end up on the losing end to people who might not have trained as hard as I have. Is it a case of fate having an agenda against me? Or will there be a rainbow at the end of the road should I persevere? I really don't know. By the time I do know, maybe it will be too late anyway.

On Choices

I chose to copy the number down,
You chose to accept me as a friend.

I chose to be nice to you,
You chose not to see it.

I chose to give everything to you,
You chose to take it without reply.

I chose to care,
You chose to be indifferent.

You chose to brush away my love for you.
What can I choose?

2003-03-09T00:38:00.000-08:00

On Happy Blogs (Dated 3 Mar 2003)

I discovered that I've rarely posted any happy blogs. Why am I so unhappy about my life?

Had the piece of luck today, was being able to witness the Mercedes colliding with the MRT train at Lentor Avenue at the end of my 3 hour round-the-island trip home.

I am unhappy. Yet at any point of time in my miserable life I am always trying to make someone else happier than me. Have I succeeded? I don't know. Am I silly? Or just trying to act noble?

Laughters and chatter surround me,

Sounds so vivid, yet vague

All there is are mockery, bitching

About each and every one of us

Why is this world so treacherous?

The people, more harmful than cheerful

Suspicion lurks around every corner

Motives scruntinized times over

Happiness hangs around our words

Actions fails to overpower them, as

We fail to realise what we talk about most

And despair at chances past

Try as one might, to lift

Oneself out of catastrophic turmoil

But who's to say when he lives

Another day, that troubles won't

Suffocate him another day.

Piece of Poetic Shit

2003-03-07T07:51:00.000-08:00

CAN ANYONE READ THIS? I CAN'T!

2003-03-07T07:39:00.000-08:00

HELLO IS THIS BLOG WORKING?

2003-03-07T07:33:00.000-08:00

Why?

Why do people do so many things they do even when they know that it is stupid? Delivering a set of self-made-stayed-up-till-two-am-in-the-morning Chemistry notes to her when she only said "Thanks" like any other person whom I've picked up a wallet on the road would have said? Why am I always going off the scale, trying to do things to make her happy even when the whole world thinks that I should not be doing them? Am I stupid? Desperate? Or just plain retarded? Or maybe my sole existence in this fucked up world is to be made use of, be sapped of my energies, emotions time and time again? Are people gloating over my stupidity? About me always giving in to their requests of lending this and that? About me letting them copy this tutorial? That tutorial? Why does the whole world enjoy making me a joke so much? If I am born a joke, let a higher being tell me that, not you people. You people deserve to burn in hell for this.

Fuck Off!

2003-02-28T07:33:00.000-08:00

Term 1 Week 8

Monday

It was a bad way to start the week, having the S Cube Seminar on a hot bloody afternoon with yet another catastrophic bus screw up following the failure of the bus boarding system during Raffles Adventure@Palawan. Perhaps it had something to do with the heck-care I just do what I want attitude that most people in this school possess, boarding buses at their own will without care about what others might say, feel, and think, and compromising the overall benefit of everyone else. Selfish, selfish. On the way there, being the adolescents we are, we made a hell lot of noise on the bus, with Kennard talking about the most no-brain topic: sex. Being someone who was accustomed to communal singing on buses, talking cock and making noise in all of my 5 years of NCC experience, I was very much peeved when this Caucasian GP tutor came and shuushed us up with a chain of subtle insults which made me feel that he was more interested in securing his own interests (sleeping) than the noble cause of having peace on the bus. The seminar was a waste of time; the people from MINDEF did absolutely nothing to promote the idea of National Service to us, and made me even more convinced that most civil servants have absolutely no gift of the gab; they could not even brush aside a question subtly without us noticing the obvious evasion.

Tuesday

It was a day to forget. Hated Econs tutorials nowadays. Because I did not attend lectures which I deemed useless, nor paid attention in tutorials, I found myself having the increasing thought of dropping Econs, only to stop myself from manifesting the thought because I want my SMS/MTA so bad. Did weights, saw Ruth in the gym working out. I must admit that I'm very much impressed with the No.1 Foilist in Singapore because she trains so hard even though she's probably invincible in Singapore. I wonder if it's the thought of falling even harder from the top, or the thought of making the world stage that is the force driving her tirelessly through training sessions. Which is the stronger motivating force? I met up with her at Macs today; out of the blue a guy who was from 41st intake came with her, whom I had no intention of seeing, much less get acquainted with him. Fortunately, he got smart and bugged off after stealing her for dinner for one hour. Then her OG mate came along and bugged us till 7:20pm. Which left me with ten minutes with her. Sending her to tuition in the mild rain was probably the highlight of the day, and the couple of SMSes traded, and the revelation that I might not get to talk to her for the entire March because her handphone would be suspended by her Dad meant that I would have to try even harder to get to her. Sigh, as if it wasn't hard enough already.

Wednesday

Monday timetable meant that training in the afternoon was cancelled, probably the last chance to see some of our J1 juniors disappeared along with it. Donated a packet of blood in the afternoon, although I wished that I could donate more. Fortunately by mistake I jabbed my left arm instead of the right, and it proved to be a brilliant move for my team mates who donated with their right arms all felt severe numbness during training at night. I must admit that I felt damn loser losing 5-1 to Jay and 5-3 to Lawrence, for I thought I could have had more points against Jay and definitely could have beaten Lawrence. Why am I so inconsistent? Also divulged a few tips to Yin Wei about the Maths Lecture Test, which I felt I dealt with sufficiently, perhaps even enough to get my first A since the first Econs test last year.

Thursday

Double PE was great, had a good game of soccer, scored a couple of goals, and proved that I'm not such a bad player after all, at least in class. It was also great fun to see classmates having psychomotor difficulties in catching a ball, and laughters were heard throughout our game, thought it was damn good. Helen Tan took Civics, and used 20 minutes to go through an essay. I must say that she is a lazy tutor, because she does not make extra efforts to try and help us. For all of Uncle Tan's inadequacies as a CT and a Chemistry Tutor, at least his willingness to try and help gives him a plus point. After mugging in KFC for 3 hours in solitude, I managed to meet her and keep her company till about 9:30pm. It felt great. It was a great day yesterday. The only bad point was that I got 21/50 for Physics Lecture Test. But I could take comfort from the fact that I only had time to attempt 26 marks worth of questions. So that's 5 marks lost.

Friday

Rubbish Day. The only plus point was attending Jamie Reeves's Econs lecture in the morning. Did plenty of work over the last two days. A.C tutorial, Maths Tutorial 14, and plenty more. Hope to get on track with my common test revision come Week 9. Played touch during PE, scored a try. Felt quite happy. I've realised that I'm quite a simple man really, the things that brighten up my life are so minor that I invite scorn and nasty remarks when I try to share every little joy I have with the people around me. Is simplicity something to be laughed at? I do not think so. But I cannot change what others think. O Level results came out, I felt quite happy that CHS beat RI in at least one way; having 1 more 11A1s student. I feel happy for my juniors, but I could not help but worry for my junior class. My mortal told me she got 7, which was a relief, but she also told me that most people in my junior class fell in the 7-9 range. There was no reply when I told her that 8 pointers have little chance of staying in RJC. But I do have to echo Bryan's view that some people are not worth staying because they're not worth being looked at by us.

2003-02-26T08:27:00.000-08:00

Blogging

Discovered I haven't been blogging lately. Shall blog tomorrow because my mother is bombing me with saliva with more zest and rigour than what US shall do to Iraq with their bombers.

2003-02-21T08:39:00.000-08:00

Hui Guang Fan Zhao?

If I'm not wrong, that meant what dying people feel just before they leave this world. Refreshed, well, and alive and kicking. Well the bucket will be the only thing they'll be kicking, but anyway, that appears to be how my life is right now. Had a surprisingly good day, and a good mood to top it off. One of the rare occasions.

Did very very well during training today. Fenced to my potential ( I think ) during my bouts, and did pretty well, won most of them. Did less of silly mistakes and more of what I should do. In school, didn't get scolded by any teachers for once, got enlightened by Mrs Seah over some Integration crap, and I was quite happy to see my new NCC juniors too. Hope this won't die soon.

Talk about dying, some Chinese High PRC died last night. Hope it doesn't affect Chinese High in anyway. I wonder if I would have bothered half as much if someone from RJC died. Probably the school deserved it more. Mean thing to say, but well, I have my preferences.

2003-02-18T18:32:00.000-08:00

More Quotes

"chinese high feels like ur childhood friend
while rjc feels like your colleague at work u gotta live with"

"(In RJC) everyone running past you
it's either small talk, empty talk, false talk or no talk
sad sad sad place"

2003-02-18T18:29:00.000-08:00

The Longest Days

Left school early on Monday due to a throat filled with un-spittable phlegm, and a super sore toe, and fever due to downing alcohol during lunch break (super stupid thing to do), and having got caught in the rain after visiting the doctor's later in the day, and fell catastrophically ill. Spent the rest of Monday evening bedridden, almost got to go out with her but she refused due to my complaints of super-high fever cum super sore throat. Felt quite happy that i got an MC for Tuesday, and that the internal bleeding in my toe was not so serious as to warrant the injection of an extremely hot needle into my nail to extract the blood clot in it. *phew*

Could not sleep on Monday night. Must have woke up at least four times in the night either to piss or to get a drink of water. I felt constantly dehydrated and i was feeling numb and aching from top to bottom for the whole night. Must have used up an entire box of tissue papers sneezing all day long, and i shuddered at the mere contact with water, hence forth I could not bathe, and could only wipe myself clean (or tried to) with my face towel. I feel dirty. Looked into the mirror and noticed that having not shaved for the last 24 hours I looked like a wreck, and I wondered how many people would have recognised me had I stepped out of my house and went to school. Did not get a single SMS from her the whole day, the first time in a million years. Since she did not reply I didn't want to send to many SMSes out, hence plenty of money was saved. Wanted to go out to buy Strike! but the rain stopped me from doing so, asked my sister to do so for me instead but she didn't. She said she'll take my bets, bad move.

Felt like a Champions League Guru after waking up today and discovering that I had only made 1 bad decision the previous day. Predicted correctly that Arsenal would tie 1-1 with Ajax at Highbury, and that Barcelona would sweep aside Inter Milan to record their 11th successive victory in Europe, together with Valencia beating AS Roma due to a fluke goal by John Carew. Fluke or not, I earned a handsome $30 off my sister for nothing. Gonna invest these money into tonight's games and hope to win even more money. Think I fully recovered, by the way, as I feel much much better, although I still feel lethargic because I haven't had much food in the last 2 days. Probably turning up for training later in the day, hopefully I can do some useful stuff with this wreckage of mine.

Endured the longest days of 2003 in the past 3 days. Bedridden for most of the day and such, I actually feel refreshed, mentally that is, for physically I've lost at least 1 week's worth of fitness. Hope to get back in shape ASAP, for this weekend shall be the acid test of my mental and physical strength and mettle as against all odds, I would be pitted against the finest in the fencing circuit.

Auspicium Melioris Aevi? Nah. Don't believe in that. RJC has not converted me into a devoted member for the Raffles Family. As Kelvin rightfully said, in RJC the people always gave you "a feeling that you're never good enough, that indescript feeling of suffocation" and he was glad that I shared a similar disgust as him at the Ra-Flea-Sian spirit. Not trying to making a sweeping statement about RJC, but it must be true that for most of the time that's how I feel about RJC.

Zi Qiang Bu Xi. =) Still thankful for what Chinese High gave me.

2003-02-16T07:32:00.000-08:00

Mixed Feelings

Finally found someone whom I can confide in in Fencing. Thank you for listening to me, and giving suggestions on how I can improve my wretched life, on the bus trips home training after training. I really appreciate it. That was everything that I could be happy about today.

Fenced really poorly again in the round robins today. Managed to lose 4 bouts and win only 1, the only consolation was that I beat this Widjaya (or however you spell his name) guy from SJI 5-0, my first ever perfect bout. However, in a moment of suicide and brain-malfunction, I managed to lose to this other SJI guy 5-4 after leading 4-2. It must have been caused by my inability to distract myself from the many troubles that I am currently facing. Or maybe I'm just plain useless. Fenced Jay for the third time in two weeks after disposing of Widjaya 15-9 in the Tableu of 32, and lost pathetically by 15-5. Although in serious pain, numbness (caused my a swelling of my toe due to persistent jam-braking in my lousy Yonex shoes), and depression, I tried psyching myself up to try to stage an upset, but my resistance proved deserving of pity. Someday I shall avenge this humiliation.

Did not receive any SMS from her at all today except from one in the morning, which probably indicates that for today I'm at the bottom of her whole stack of priorities. Well, what's new. Pathetic Bin here is used to being treated with indifference. To add insult to injury, I was placed in the (politically correct speaking) capability-challenged team for next's week's team events. With a team made up of a team-mate fresh from coming back through injury, an epee-ist, a guy who cannot stand to lose, and a guy who can't stop losing, I cannot possibly forsee a medal-finish come 23rd February. Not to say that I won't try, just being pragmatic. Depending on the number of teams participating, it shouldn't be a problem for my team to finish above the SJI teams, and maybe with a stroke of luck finish above another RJC team.

I see it as a challenge posed to me by a pragmatic world. Will I seize this chance to show my mettle? Or will I just simply fade into the eternal darkness of "oh-don't-worry-he's-no-threat" kind of fencer? I really don't know, but reality always has a tendency to prove harsh to people like me.

Five days behind schedule due to constant worrying about many of my distractions, so I shall stop here and continue mugging towards my O grades in tests and exams even though I might well be the only one who finishes each and every tutorial (except Econs) this year in class.

Mixed feelings? You can say that again.

2003-02-15T07:59:00.000-08:00

Seriously Depressed

Great Day. Had a good chat with 2 pals. Talked about everything.

I was very irritated today yet again, because I got another SMS from a classmate asking me what was being tested for Maths Lecture Test. Being the pissed off and angry person that I am, I deleted the SMS without replying it, nor harbouring the intention of ever doing so. What the hell is wrong with RJC? Is everyone so occupied by their own interests that they do not even bother to stop and look around to see the many (or at least mine) sad faces and ask a mono-syllabic-super-hard-to-say WHY? Even friendships in school is based on self-interest. When I'm nice to someone they go "yeah, brothers...what are brothers for" and when you are down and out they don't even realise it. Or maybe they're just being indifferent. But what's the mother-fucking difference anyway.

Another reason why I'm terribly irritated is because of people coming up to me calling my name and start talking nonsense. Believe me I have nothing against these people but soon I will. You should know who you are.

Nobody seems to be able to tell me how I can go about making myself feel better. When I tell people I'm down they go "oh yeah don't worry" or "you're trying too hard" but who the fuck can't say that to me? Even my tuition classmate whom I seldom talk to also realised that there's something wrong with me. I need answers, not confirmation of my existing and snowballing problems.

I'm tired of doing everything that I've done. Nobody is appreciative of whatever hard work I put in. Not even myself. Why do I even bother to continue doing pages and pages of tutorials when I know in the end that I will still fail the test? Why do I keep trying to cheer people up when I'm a mess myself? I tried my best to make everyone around me better off, but it seems that I only succeeded in making myself worse. In NCC, fencing, relationships with friends and girls, I gave everything. Like that -whoever- guy in Gattaca said, " I never saved anything for the swim back ". But what did I get in return? Backstabbed by my juniors, ignored and treated with indifference by friends, taken for granted by people, and zero appreciation from girls that I'm nice to.

If I had more balls I would've done myself in years ago. I really should have.

2003-02-14T07:36:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day

Went out for dinner with her. It was real good. Real good. =)

Palawan was ok. Wasn't spectacular, probably because I didn't expect much from it either. Played around for a bit, got tired.

2003-02-09T06:41:00.000-08:00

On Being an Also-Ran

Today was disastrous. Wasn't the best of mornings, had a dream abt having a bout of diarrhoea in the middle of class (don't know how the toilet and class got merged into one). Maybe it's because of the class's shitti-ness. It was exemplified by Kennard and DongLiang's sms to me, not to ask me how my day or my competition was, but on what topics are covered for Physics Lecture Test.

I deleted the messages.

Fenced like someone who just started learning sabre today. Finished 17th out of a 19-strong field. Never felt so useless in my entire life before. Ok maybe I have. I think I should train doubly harder. I keep hearing people saying "he's damn lousy" in their minds. And I hate that feeling.

Remembered what I wanted to say yesterday. No one takes me seriously. Everytime I try to make a point people laugh it off. (have I said so before? Deja vu maybe). Is it my tone or are my statements so without-substance that people think that I'm trying to be funny?

Fuck the world.

2003-02-08T08:37:00.000-08:00

On Ups and Downs

Started the day being very happy. I woke up to a phonecall which told me that she was free. I rushed down to Toa Payoh Central in 40 minutes just to see her. Spent three hours with her, talking nonsense, singing songs. She smiled. Sent her home while she got ready for what's to happen for rest of the day... Wish she'd realised what I sang were not songs from other singers, but what I really really feel.

Slept and slacked for the rest of the afternoon away, and finally picked myself up to go for BBQ with my junior class. The junior class seemed united and fun-loving. So much unlike my class, which basically discriminates by school, CCAs, looks, intelligence, and anything that can separate the human race into classes.

Forgot what I had to say when I posted my previous blog. It must've been something unimportant, as is my existence, that it's not worth mentioning. Feeling low now because I) Everytime after I see her I will drop from the pinnacle of happiness into the lowest reaches of depression because I fear I may not see her for very long time after (or worse, never ever again) that and ; II) I still feel that no one takes what I have to say, think and feel seriously. People laugh at what I say, even though I may be a joker at times, but when I'm serious people think that I try to be funny.

By the way I don't know who reads this blog so it'll help if some of you justify my webcounter jumping 30 counts a day by sending me an e-mail or something to reply to my posts. That is if you care. I know most of you don't.

2003-02-07T08:26:00.000-08:00

Tired

I'm very tired. Tired after having trainings till 10pm at night on Wednesday and Friday, with a double PE filled with running. I am so tired. Post when I feel better.

2003-02-04T06:59:00.000-08:00

A Happy Pissed Off Dude

First about why the dude was happy. Finally saw her again after 2 weeks exactly. 14 days 336 hours 20160 minutes 1209600 seconds was a long time to wait to get to see someone you yearn to see everyday. It was quite a pity that he only saw her gorgeous face for 25 minutes; for a certain old friend of hers who waited 1 year to see her again saw her finally, so they had an hour's worth of chat. One solid hour. See the green on the dude's face? No it isn't Cr3+ but jealousy.

Now for the pissing part. Episode I - A New Ending (and a Lousy Bugger): A certain classmate messaged me late last night and asked me about Economics test and what the hell it was all about last night. Everytime this person messaged me it was always about work. Seems like he only trusts me with work because the rest of our classmates are people he wants to have fun with but don't trust when it comes to work. I am seriously not flattered. Do I look like the sort who stands around waiting for people to ask me questions regarding studies? Though I am serious about work, I do not like people taking me for some good-to-make-use-of shit who can't-have-the-brains-to-figure-out-that-he's-being-used. A fart to that. This is what is going on in this god damned college. Only people who use one another. For work or leisure this place is a hellhole. Can't wait for enlistment. Friends? Tools would sound more appropriate terms for people in this institution.

Episode II and III: The Tests Strikes Back and Return of the Os and Fs. Did I ever tell anyone that since I entered College I HATE tests? Never felt so stupid in my entire life before. Seems like hardworking-ness is futile in this time and age. True intelligence is what counts in A Levels. Well, that's why I am bOdObIn.

2003-02-03T06:42:00.000-08:00

Chu Er Chu San

Day 2 of Chinese New Year

Didn't particularly like the way I started visiting relatives for Chinese New Year (besides being late). Went to Dad's sister's place; her younger son (forgot the relationship in english terms) didn't even bother to come out of his room to talk to us, only coming out to go to the toilet. He sported a goatee which probably meant that he didn't bother to go out for many days already. The elder son was worse. Didn't even bother to give a red packet when he was married. Stingy guy just left his place 30 minutes after we arrived without even saying more than 2 sentences to us.

Played Mahjong with my cousins at my aunt's place. All of us were pathetic; being newbies who weren't really accustomed to grabbing child-size tiles with our big palms, tiles slid all over the table before landing in front of our eyes. Managed to scrape 3 wins, but too bad we didn't gamble. Met up with Kelvin to watch Shanghai Knights, and had supper at the all-time favourite 24h Kopi-Tiam after Hotel Rendezvous. Got home at 2am. Talk about being tired.

Day 3 of CNY

Fantastic start to the day (sarcasm intended). Woke up in the middle of a thunderstorm at 7am in the morning (perfect weather to sleep and sleep and SLEEP). Went to CHS to play bball with NCC people; ended up playing in the midst of a monsoon storm. Didn't last for more than 2 hours as the rain came on and off, and pissed us all off. Had lunch at Westmall, wasn't particularly happy with the quality of service KFC provided - A PRC cashier who can't seem to take orders properly. Came home and slept. Woke up with sore eyes.

CHEM PRAC TEST AND ECONS ESSAY TEST! I am so going to die tomorrow in school. Well, maybe I shall Die Another Day. Will I live to see it?

Didn't get to see her again. Tomorrow will be the 2nd week. When will this end.

Happy Deathday!
Your name:	Ng Jun Bin
You will die on:	Saturday, April 27, 2030
You will die of:	Fall from Great Height
Username:

Created by Quill

Happy Deathday!
Your name:	Elton Ng Jun Bin
You will die on:	Wednesday, September 28, 2011
You will die of:	Fall from Great Height
Username:

Created by Quill